I don’t know about you, but the older I get I find myself looking for gadgets, braces, supports, wraps, pills, incantations and stuff to make the pain less and to hone my senses… I’ve ridden a bike since 1958 and I continue to enjoy doing so to this day. Even though at my advanced middle age, my ass has indeed fallen off or is in the process of doing so. I need to wear a belt. No longer are there any protuberances proud enough to hold up my trousers on their own. Sitting on the seat of my noble Schwinn is no longer enjoyable, nay painful in fact. The longer I sit the more intense the pain and the residual pain thereafter.
I find myself looking at the orthopedic and fallen arse old people seats available on the Amazon. I thought perhaps those spandex/lycra bicycle pants made famous by Bill Little would help my comfort. After seeing pictures of Bill in his morbid spandex/lycra I knew I had to stay away from orange and cat-like stripes or polka dots… What could go wrong I thought. Stick with basic black and wear it under regular trousers and stuff. Who would know?
When the suit arrived I was immediately concerned. The suit looked too small. Too small for even a child. It was stretchy though. Perhaps the secret is in this stretch and the storage of my bulk within this spandex force field. My first thought was of country fest and size 50 women in size 28 jeans… They must get them on somehow. Perhaps they jump from a height with others holding the jeans?
I tried several methods. It was a workout. I made one last ditch effort. I put all my strength into stretching the suit onto my body… Like a slingshot the suit fired and released the stored energy, the potential energy. Now I’m a 68 year old man whose arse has fallen off and I’m on top of the fridge… Tabernac