One size fits all…

Monday May’s 7th, twenty eighteen

I wanted to get a couple of pairs of pants. Nay, I needed to get a couple of pairs of pants. Why is one pant unit called a pair? I’ve just googlized this pair thing and they are a pair because in the old days pants or pantaloons came in two pieces, ‘one leg at a time’. Perhaps if they came in two pieces that would mitigate the cause for this pant rant.

Notwithstanding this bad plaid fad we’ve passed through, the hipsters graduating to lumber-sexuals and all. Lumbersexual stylin’ men who wouldn’t know what a chainsaw was let alone start one, and break into hissy fits when sawdust or chain oil might stain their boat buck pants. I buy most of my clothes at Marks, there I’ve said it. I shop at the Canadian Tire for clothes, actually owned by Canadian Tire.

It used to be simple for me to buy pants. I am nominally a 36 waist and 32 leg. I can be 34 in skinny phase but it seems to be cyclic and fleeting. I’m likely a 31.5 leg, but luckily you can wear that annoying extra leg bit off over time. You can facilitate this leg adjustment by carrying scissors, scissors being another annoying pair thing. Simply snip off the annoying wear indicator threads as they appear.

Marks, marketing to these hipster left overs and lumbe-Jacques are creating shapes of clothing to go along with sizes.

  • Athletic tapered
  • Big and Tall ( I almost understand this one)
  • Classic Fit (perhaps this is a nice way of saying, old, fatter, shorter legs, excessive ass or ass fallen off )
  • Loose bootcut
  • Modern Fit
  • Relaxed Tapered (when this was just relaxed, I understood this was a whole bunch of extra material. It looked like four sizes too big cinched with a secure belt)
  • Slim straight
  • Straight

WTF? I could deal with two categories of pants; 1 Pants and 2 Dick do. The first category needs no explanation and the second is based on an old joke, your gut extends forward more than your dick do. I can see the graphic on the size explanation already and I think it would be funny.

I’ve been accused of having ‘chicken legs’ and perhaps I do. In my defense, my legs reach the ground and they support my body (so far). I thought perhaps I could try athletic tapered. I found a couple of pair of those in 36/32. They looked like a funnel, even chicken legs would generate frictional heat putting those babies on. I agree, athletic was a stretch.  Modern fit? These are the pants where the zipper is about a centimeter long, half your ass hangs out and your penis has some role in holding them up and not everyone is built for that.

I struggle with the sales people at Marks. They hover and the pester and they piss me off with their incessant helpfulness. After a scathing “leave me freakin’ alone” I left the store. No new pants, paired or otherwise. Soon I will be wearing those gray flannel sweat pants 24/7.

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